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Chopstick Fork
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Does the smell of road kill give you goose bumps? Have dangerously high levels of gravy been detected in your spinal fluid? Then you just might be one of those rare overweight individuals who could somehow benefit from our funny top ten list of totally ineffective weight loss tips.
Our Most Useless Advice for Losing Weight
+ Start performing the Heimlich Maneuver right after saying Grace.
+ Paste pictures of ankle-length cellulite on your refrigerator.
+ Evacuation of nearby population centers is just one of the telltale signs that you'd better lay off the pork and beans.
+ Never eat when you're quivering or sniveling.
+ Seek immediate medical attention if a beer belch lasts longer than 4 hours.
+ Listen to what Oprah does... and then do something else.
+ Put down your funnel between swills.
+ Eat nothing larger than you can suck through a straw, or subdue with one chopstick.
+ Never struggle with a waiter attempting to remove unlicked dishes.
+ Consider gastric bypass surgery. This will allow food to drop directly from your mouth to your rectum, without providing any nutrition (just some very tense moments between gas stations).
Hey, wait a minute. We may have put the cart before the horse. Since we didn't have any way to get you to take off all your clothes, and dance around naked in front of us, we just assumed that you need to lose weight. But maybe that's not true!
Therefore, before you endanger your health by plunging ahead with any of our hairbrained weight loss tips, our high-priced corporate attorneys would strongly recommend that you first take the following little quiz...
How to Tell If You're Disgustingly Overweight
+ Where would you rank self-loathing, compared to a Big Mac?
+ Is your waist at least 10-inches smaller than your hips? How about your hot water tank?
+ When police yell "assume the position," do you automatically grab a knife and fork?
+ Are your wrists among your problem areas?
+ Do you routinely use a sump pump to make room for dessert?
+ Does industrial sewage remind you of French fries?
+ Do your jowls smother your partner whenever you go on top?
+ Does your favorite chair have a beer bong attachment?
+ Does foreplay occasionally fail to locate all your sex organs?
+ Do you only diet on the advice of a mortician?
If you found these tips helpful, watch for our next funny top 10 list entitled, "Bulimics Rate Their Top 10 Toilet Foods."
Copyright 2010. Funniest Top Ten Lists. All rights reserved.
Don G. Asmus is the List Master at Funniest Top Ten Lists, where he consistently creates the most hilarious top ten lists on the planet.
http://www.FunniestTopTenLists.com/
Table Etiquette and Eating
Almost everywhere there are conventions or protocols regarding the seating of guests and hosts, toasts and speeches on formal meal occasions. It is customary in some of the Scandinavian countries, for example, for the host to propose a toast of welcome at the
beginning of a meal and only after this should the guest drink and propose another toast. In some countries and in some societies there may be religious customs associated with meal occasions such as the ‘breaking of bread and eating it' at the start of a meal or a short prayer before and/or after a meal.
One should be mindful of the religious beliefs of both hosts and guests in order not to cause offence by offering food and drink which they may be forbidden to touch and consume. Knives and forks are used for eating in most but not all countries. There are countries in the Far East, including China and Japan, where chopsticks are used. In yet others in Asia, Africa and the Middle East where it is customary to eat with one's fingers, but use only the right hand and not the left hand. Proficiency with chopsticks in those countries where chopsticks are used, and being able to eat with one's fingers in those countries where one eats in this way is a distinct advantage, it gives a good impression and could be a contributing factor to a successful relationship.
In some restaurants in France it is customary to retain the same set of cutlery for each course, while in others the used cutlery is removed after each course. Cultural differences apply when one wishes to indicate that one has finished a course or a meal. Placing
the knife and fork, laid together, diagonally across the middle of the plate signifies that one has finished in some countries and that the plate can be taken away. In others this would not be understood, since their way of indicating that one has finished eating is to leave the knife and fork crossed on the plate. There is the tale of a foreign business executive being invited by his host to a very exclusive London restaurant.
Since asparagus andcertain other foods are traditionally eaten with one's fingertips,
small silver fingerbowls with containing water and a small slice of lemon were placed in front of each of them, so that they could rinse their fingers at the end of the course. After a little while the visitor raised his fingerbowl and drank part of the contents. His host, to be polite, raised his own fingerbowl in a toast to him and then also drank.
In every country there are conventions which determine when it is appropriate to leave after a meal. In Kuwait, for example, whether invited to a meal in a private house or to an official dinner in a hotel, it is customary for guests to depart as soon as they have drunk their coffee or tea. In private houses this sometimes leads to meals being served at a very late hour, since out of politeness the hosts do not like their guests to depart too early. In China too both host and guests would depart very soon after the last course of the meal had been served and eaten. Whether visitors should return an invitation after being entertained by their host, either at their hotel or at a restaurant, depends very much on the country being visited and local advice should be sought.
The Value and Pomp of Table Ettiquette (2010) is published in May by Schiel & Denver Book Publishers: http://www.schieldenver.com. Visit the book publishing company for more info. Schiel & Denver also a UK book publishers division which is manuscript submissions only.
About the Author
Ken Simons is a developmental editor at Schiel & Denver Book Publishers, an independent book publishing company which enables authors to publish a book.
Thai Food: Fork or Chopsticks?
If I'm in a Thai restaurant, am I supposed to use a fork or chopsticks?
I'm going to be going to Bangkok soon, and don't want to look ignorant.
Thanks.
Thais do not really use chopsticks often only occasionally with noodles or rice, and yes if you are in Bangkok you will look strange if you use them. Thais use a spoon and fork, but not like us westerners do. The fork is never to go into your mouth, you use it to push your food onto your spoon which is the only utensil you put in your mouth. This is just good Thai etiquette, if you don't do it, people probably won't think much about it because you are a foreigner. A good rule of thumb is, if the server provides chopsticks then feel free to use them, otherwise just stick to the spoon and fork. Hope this helps and have fun in Thailand.
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