Cat Chopstick

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Cat Chopstick
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First, there was Vin Diesel.

(Yeah, I know. First there was Bill Brasky. Don't interrupt me; I'm building up to something here.)

Then, there was Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Jack Bauer.

And now, another modern cult hero goes under the microscope. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first -- and very likely last -- time anywhere, I'm proud to present:

Thirty Facts About... Alton Brown

#1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth.

#2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.

#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.

#4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.

#5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.

#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.

#7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.

#8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.

#9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.

#10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.

#11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.

#12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.

#13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.

#14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.

#15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinagrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy at forty paces.

#16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.

#17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices -- and they were delicious.

#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever -- try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.

#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food -- including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. It's people!

#20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.

#21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.

#22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.

#23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.

#24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.

#25. Alton Brown's show is called 'Good Eats', because 'Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms' didn't play with the network's target demographic.

#26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.

#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.

#28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching.

#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.

#30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.

Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He writes near-daily and mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?

Are All Ideas Created Equal?

In 1891 William White invented a coffin that's equipped with an emergency, signaling device in case you are buried alive. The coffin also comes with a convenient air hole for immediate resuscitation. This coffin would be the perfect gift for sound sleepers and for people who say they have everything. Literally, it's a gift to die for.

In 1924 a patent was issued for the Lip Clip. Today women want big, Angelina-Jolie-type lips; but back then women wanted to emphasize the cupid's-bow indentation in their upper lip. Frankly, any woman who would attach a six-inch, spring-loaded, molding clip to her upper lip was paying more than lip service to fashion.

In 1962 an inventor patented a new cigarette filter. The filter was made of grated, hard cheese mixed with charcoal, which prevented the oil in the cheese from becoming rancid. Actually, I think this invention would have been more successful if it had been patented as a new process for smoking cheeses.

In 1993 Israel Siegel came to the rescue of people with feet odor. He invented an air conditioner for shoes. The air conditioner is powered by a compressor in the heel of the shoe and the compressor is powered by the pressure of gravity when you walk. I've never seen air conditioned shoes for sale, but maybe the inventor is cooling his heels right now waiting to talk to a shoe manufacturer.

In contrast, the Japanese are successful inventors. They've given us Toyota cars, Sony televisions and Cannon cameras. In return, however, I think we've given them too much credit. The Japanese also gave us "chindogu". Literally translated, chindogu means weird tool. The word was coined by Kenji Kawakami, who invented dusting slippers for cats. The butter stick, which is similar in appearance to a glue stick and used for buttering toast, as well as chopsticks with an attached fan for cooling noodles are other examples of chindogu. They seem weird; but the Japanese gave us sushi - and we took the bait.

If I were an inventor, I'd invent a life reversal process. This process would allow us to be born old and get younger every year. With this process our bodies would continually get healthier and our memories would continually get stronger. Nevertheless, there's one thing that wouldn't change. As the process continued, children would know more than their parents - which is what they think now.

About the Author

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
http://knightwatch.typepad.com

Chinese proverbs.... some may have been repeated???

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

man who wrote that very smart.

lol

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Nestled on the southern coast of China, the former British colony of Hong Kong is renowned for its famous harbor, teeming skyscrapers, ultra-capitalist dynamism, great Cantonese dining, shopping and a buzzing nightlife on China's doorstep.

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